Today was just one of those days that seemed to just last forever. I had to get my cable hooked up for the 2nd time...it was a confusing mess, but they finally got it right. The irony of it was that I spent pretty much the entire day watching the first season of the tv show Castle on DVD. My 3 year old was with Daddy from last night until I pick him up for a birthday party tomorrow morning. I was thinking how much I was gonna rest and enjoy the peace and quiet..I did at first. But by 3pm I was pacing the floors and trying to think of something to do. I was tired of TV and frustrated that I am sharing my child. Regardless that we are being very nice about it, the fact is that we are signing divorce papers and it still comes down to sharing a 3 year old. So by 4pm I had stirred myself into a mess of stress and nerves. I came into my bedroom and cleaned and turned on the radio..I pretty much just listen to the local christian station. But during that time, I took some deep breaths, reassured myself that my son was just fine, and I can not change things that are out of my control. I asked God for some peace in my heart. Nobody wants to divorce twice, fail at being a good enough wife twice. It is not what I would have chosen. I am trying to tell this to God and my mom's dog in the room. And a voice out of nowhere whispers in my ear "it is well." I am sure it was the voice of the Holy Spirit. And because my faith is growing once again, I believe Him. It is well. Sometimes we just have to fall on our knees and realize there is nothing we can do and just let God be God. How hard to let go of that control. It is well.
I am feeling better and better each day. I exercise and stretch and feel strength coming back. My hair is growing in thicker and getting longer. There are things to be happy about. It is well. So no matter the circumstances, no matter how your heart hurts, know that Jesus felt the same pain and He has sent the comforter to us for these moments. Three little words...it is well. But oh so comforting for me. I hope that whatever you are doing, if you are discouraged, or feeling the pain of fibromyalgia, or can't find the strength to stretch out and exercise..think to yourself, "It is well" because I promise you..it could be so much worse.
Much love, Becca
Friday, February 5, 2010
Happy Friday Everyone...
Good Morning,
I can still say that because it's 10 am my time, and I have been up for an hour and a half. As much as I like to sleep in, and I would have really enjoyed sleeping in till Noon today, it is really bad on my system and makes everything go out of whack. One of the most important things about fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue is to follow a regular sleeping routine. In bed same time each night and up at same time each morning. This takes a lot of self discipline and especially at night, because that is when I feel my best and I don't want to go to bed when I finally have the strength to clean the oven. But in order to be the best mom to my kids, I have to realize that the oven is not as important as being there for my bright eyed son at 8am. My goal is to be in bed asleep by 10 pm. I really need a DVR and that is so not in my budget right now. Good TV shows are on at 1o pm. I am weaning off the nighttime tv, there is a lot you can watch on the internet now but last night I took my meds at 9pm instead of 8 pm. (The Mentalist) was on. But also my son is with his dad for 2 days, so I knew if I did have a problem getting up, it would not affect him. But as I got into bed I realized that the cable guy was due to my apartment between 8 am and Noon. It is 10 am and he is still not here yet. It really can put a damper on your morning routine, can't really shower, or be in the middle of a yoga video, and then knock knock. I did do some morning stretches and some yoga stretches that while uncomfortable, always make me feel better afterword. I then rewarded myself with a cup of coffee and now am sittingon my couch writing my blog.
I slept much better last night and woke up ok this morning. My shoulders and lower back are pretty tight. I am craving a massage..lol. I am still feeling a bit rough, but as the medicine increases I think I will adjust better and better. I feel happier inside then I have in such a long time. If I look back at the past year all I see is darkness and the years before that were years of frustration and just trying to get by. One of the things that complicates the chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia is that I am also type 1 diabetic. People with three chronic illnesses are often found to be depressed too. Besides the three illnesses, I have had the most awful year anyone can imagine: this last year my best friend was murdered, I was sued, we went through a bankruptcy, lost our house and pets, and now going through a separation and divorce. So even if I am eating right, following sleep patterns, taking all meds and vitamins, and doing my exercises, if I am stressed out I flare up. My blood sugars climb high, all the pain comes back and I get sad again. Or I get angry, frustrated, tired, and emotional. Sometimes I feel hopeless.
I have a wonder woman in my life who is mentoring me through all this. I hear her voice in my head sometimes saying "Don't go there" and I am able to pull back and do some deep calming breathing. It really works. She has taught me to ask myself "do you have control over this?" and if the answer is no, then I have to release it. If I do have control to do something, then I need to really think about the best way that follows my life plan.
People with this disease have to have a life plan. You can't just go day by day and bounce here and there. It doesn't work. It's like getting paid with no budget and you go to the mall, out to dinner, then to the movies, then your kids want money. Then you notice that you haven't paid any bills and there is not enough money left. That just makes you want to give up and climb back into bed. So you have to get up with a life plan: For example on Mondays I do laundry, watch tv and do a general house picking up, On Tuesday I clean both bathrooms, On Wednesday I have Bible study and then lunch. Thursday is mom's group at Carries, and Friday is general clean-up and vacuuming. The rest of my time is spent with my 3 year old. We play, we color, we go on walks, we work on flash cards and read books. By the time my 16 year old is home from school, I start thinking about dinner and what I am making that day. Usually I already have it planned out, just gotta do it. My 16 year old is in charge of dishes and that helps a lot because I start the day with a clean kitchen. After dinner is bath time and rest. The weekends are just for fun. That is when I can go to the mall, go to church, meet someone for lunch etc. Your time/energy is like spending money, once it is gone, there is no going back, no payday loan. You just have to learn to be self disciplined and that is a hard lesson for this girl. But I am learning. Some days are harder then others. But I am learning to like my life. I like the peace in the morning, the structure of the day, the control over my environment. It's just looking at from another angle. Instead of being sad and having a "why me?" attitude, I have a "why not me?" attitude.
Well that is all for now. Happy Friday everyone!
I can still say that because it's 10 am my time, and I have been up for an hour and a half. As much as I like to sleep in, and I would have really enjoyed sleeping in till Noon today, it is really bad on my system and makes everything go out of whack. One of the most important things about fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue is to follow a regular sleeping routine. In bed same time each night and up at same time each morning. This takes a lot of self discipline and especially at night, because that is when I feel my best and I don't want to go to bed when I finally have the strength to clean the oven. But in order to be the best mom to my kids, I have to realize that the oven is not as important as being there for my bright eyed son at 8am. My goal is to be in bed asleep by 10 pm. I really need a DVR and that is so not in my budget right now. Good TV shows are on at 1o pm. I am weaning off the nighttime tv, there is a lot you can watch on the internet now but last night I took my meds at 9pm instead of 8 pm. (The Mentalist) was on. But also my son is with his dad for 2 days, so I knew if I did have a problem getting up, it would not affect him. But as I got into bed I realized that the cable guy was due to my apartment between 8 am and Noon. It is 10 am and he is still not here yet. It really can put a damper on your morning routine, can't really shower, or be in the middle of a yoga video, and then knock knock. I did do some morning stretches and some yoga stretches that while uncomfortable, always make me feel better afterword. I then rewarded myself with a cup of coffee and now am sittingon my couch writing my blog.
I slept much better last night and woke up ok this morning. My shoulders and lower back are pretty tight. I am craving a massage..lol. I am still feeling a bit rough, but as the medicine increases I think I will adjust better and better. I feel happier inside then I have in such a long time. If I look back at the past year all I see is darkness and the years before that were years of frustration and just trying to get by. One of the things that complicates the chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia is that I am also type 1 diabetic. People with three chronic illnesses are often found to be depressed too. Besides the three illnesses, I have had the most awful year anyone can imagine: this last year my best friend was murdered, I was sued, we went through a bankruptcy, lost our house and pets, and now going through a separation and divorce. So even if I am eating right, following sleep patterns, taking all meds and vitamins, and doing my exercises, if I am stressed out I flare up. My blood sugars climb high, all the pain comes back and I get sad again. Or I get angry, frustrated, tired, and emotional. Sometimes I feel hopeless.
I have a wonder woman in my life who is mentoring me through all this. I hear her voice in my head sometimes saying "Don't go there" and I am able to pull back and do some deep calming breathing. It really works. She has taught me to ask myself "do you have control over this?" and if the answer is no, then I have to release it. If I do have control to do something, then I need to really think about the best way that follows my life plan.
People with this disease have to have a life plan. You can't just go day by day and bounce here and there. It doesn't work. It's like getting paid with no budget and you go to the mall, out to dinner, then to the movies, then your kids want money. Then you notice that you haven't paid any bills and there is not enough money left. That just makes you want to give up and climb back into bed. So you have to get up with a life plan: For example on Mondays I do laundry, watch tv and do a general house picking up, On Tuesday I clean both bathrooms, On Wednesday I have Bible study and then lunch. Thursday is mom's group at Carries, and Friday is general clean-up and vacuuming. The rest of my time is spent with my 3 year old. We play, we color, we go on walks, we work on flash cards and read books. By the time my 16 year old is home from school, I start thinking about dinner and what I am making that day. Usually I already have it planned out, just gotta do it. My 16 year old is in charge of dishes and that helps a lot because I start the day with a clean kitchen. After dinner is bath time and rest. The weekends are just for fun. That is when I can go to the mall, go to church, meet someone for lunch etc. Your time/energy is like spending money, once it is gone, there is no going back, no payday loan. You just have to learn to be self disciplined and that is a hard lesson for this girl. But I am learning. Some days are harder then others. But I am learning to like my life. I like the peace in the morning, the structure of the day, the control over my environment. It's just looking at from another angle. Instead of being sad and having a "why me?" attitude, I have a "why not me?" attitude.
Well that is all for now. Happy Friday everyone!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Starting on a new med tonight.
I am so happy to be starting on a new medicine tonight that is supposed to help with nerve pain without being a narcotic. With Fibromyalgia nerve, muscle and tendon pain are quite common. A lot of times a doctor will prescribe a narcotic for pain, but what ends up happening is the narcotic doesn't really work so patient takes more and then more and then gets addicted and then wonders why they are so sick all the time. It is a vicious cycle. Especially if you go to a doctor that does not know much about or believe in Fibromyalgia.
My doctor appointment went very well and he wrote me scripts for the meds that the Mayo Clinic had picked out for me and tonight is the first night of the new plan. After 2 weeks of being home and adjusting to being off some medications I am now introducing a new one. It's called Neurontin and you have to start slow with it so you know if your body will tolerate it and if it is helping. For some people it's a miracle drug and for others a nightmare. But I am a miracle kind of girl. I am finally completely off the Plaquenil. Talk about a scary drug...glad to not be taking that one anymore. Though today is day 14 off it, my body is showing signs of it missing. I am getting the shooting pains in my hands and feet. My fingers are starting to swell. We will just have to pray the the new medicine fills the gaps.
It's 9:30 pm and I am in bed for the night. My new plan is take my meds no later then 9pm so that I can be sleeping by 10 or 11. That way in the morning I will have had enough sleep to be able to get out of bed. This is a new thing for me as I usually feel at my best at night time and I don't want to go to bed, I want to clean my house, or watch a cool tv show. But I am adjusting. I have changed my eating habits also. In the mornings, I still have my coffee. But I also have an ensure or glucerna chocolate meal replacement and take a lot of supplements and vitamins. In the 2 weeks I have been doing this my hair is growing again, my finger nails are looking healthier and I am not needing to nap in the afternoon anymore. I still get tired but I don't HAVE to nap.. The time is between 4 and 6 pm. I really have a hard time then, but I have starting cooking from scratch and that helps get through that time slot pretty good. I have been making a lot of soup receipes. It's been so fun and Benny is right there with me cooking in the kitchen. Soup and bread have been our main ingredients since I am still getting some teeth work done. It should all be finished by the end of this month, and then maybe I will be able to enjoy something besides rice, pasta and soup..lol.
I am still meeting with my counselor for work on me. I have read the book "Boundries" and now am working on completing the workbook. That is much more thought provoking then the book and I am struggling to make myself work on it. But life as we know is a journey and I am on this path so that I can be me. A me that I like and am proud of being. I want my kids to honor and respect me like I see my dad and his brother take care of their mom, my grandmother. If I don't go on this journey to figure out some of this stuff, then I will not become that person. Health is not just physical...it is spiritual and emotional also. So am working on that. Hope you are in a good place right now. Feel free to write or comment anytime. I would love to hear what you have to say.
Love, becca
My doctor appointment went very well and he wrote me scripts for the meds that the Mayo Clinic had picked out for me and tonight is the first night of the new plan. After 2 weeks of being home and adjusting to being off some medications I am now introducing a new one. It's called Neurontin and you have to start slow with it so you know if your body will tolerate it and if it is helping. For some people it's a miracle drug and for others a nightmare. But I am a miracle kind of girl. I am finally completely off the Plaquenil. Talk about a scary drug...glad to not be taking that one anymore. Though today is day 14 off it, my body is showing signs of it missing. I am getting the shooting pains in my hands and feet. My fingers are starting to swell. We will just have to pray the the new medicine fills the gaps.
It's 9:30 pm and I am in bed for the night. My new plan is take my meds no later then 9pm so that I can be sleeping by 10 or 11. That way in the morning I will have had enough sleep to be able to get out of bed. This is a new thing for me as I usually feel at my best at night time and I don't want to go to bed, I want to clean my house, or watch a cool tv show. But I am adjusting. I have changed my eating habits also. In the mornings, I still have my coffee. But I also have an ensure or glucerna chocolate meal replacement and take a lot of supplements and vitamins. In the 2 weeks I have been doing this my hair is growing again, my finger nails are looking healthier and I am not needing to nap in the afternoon anymore. I still get tired but I don't HAVE to nap.. The time is between 4 and 6 pm. I really have a hard time then, but I have starting cooking from scratch and that helps get through that time slot pretty good. I have been making a lot of soup receipes. It's been so fun and Benny is right there with me cooking in the kitchen. Soup and bread have been our main ingredients since I am still getting some teeth work done. It should all be finished by the end of this month, and then maybe I will be able to enjoy something besides rice, pasta and soup..lol.
I am still meeting with my counselor for work on me. I have read the book "Boundries" and now am working on completing the workbook. That is much more thought provoking then the book and I am struggling to make myself work on it. But life as we know is a journey and I am on this path so that I can be me. A me that I like and am proud of being. I want my kids to honor and respect me like I see my dad and his brother take care of their mom, my grandmother. If I don't go on this journey to figure out some of this stuff, then I will not become that person. Health is not just physical...it is spiritual and emotional also. So am working on that. Hope you are in a good place right now. Feel free to write or comment anytime. I would love to hear what you have to say.
Love, becca
Monday, February 1, 2010
Down to only 4 Medications Now!
I am so excited to be sharing the news of weaning off another medication. Now I am down to 4 medications and that is great. I started out with over 14, not including Advil or Alieve. So this is a big change. Also I am on a great vitamin program that fulfills all my nutrition and mineral requirements, plus some extra vit. D, Iron, and Fish oils. I am feeling better. Still struggle with the depression, but it seems a bit easier to fight. This Sunday I went to church for the first time in over 6 months. I sat in the 2nd row and during worship I could swear I felt an angel standing beside me. The peace and calmness I felt flooded my soul and the joy poured in. I couldn't even open my eyes, but I could feel God and it was a great feeling.
I have been trying to find an exercise routine that takes some thinking to do accomplish. I tried Tai Chi with mom and Shaye and while we liked the class, we really felt out of place. I have tried yoga which I really enjoy, but I can's really afford it. I do try to do it on my will fit at least once a week, but the lag time between exercises can get a bit boring and it doesn't take much focus. If I walk on the treadmill or bike, my mind goes 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction. I think this is why the doctor wants me to take some kind of exercise that requires concentration/meditation. Because I need to be able to teach it to slow down. I need to find some relaxation exercises for at night before sleep. Otherwise my body is exhausted, but my poor legs just want to move and my mind just jumps from thing to thing. Impossible to sleep. I am not complaining just telling you what it is like to be me sometimes.
My mom is in Yakima right now. Her brother is in hospital with a brain tumor that they think is cancer. It is not looking good. All her brothers and sisters have come in from all parts of the state and they are gathered around him as he prepares to do battle against this terrible disease. If you are reading this and are a believer, please just send up a quick prayer for the Carpenter Family. I truly thank you.
Hope this is not to much rattling on. But I needed to type a bit and thought I would catch everyone up. I see my primary doctor tomorrow at 11am. I am a bit nervous. I am sure he will be skeptical of the meds, but my body is already noticing a big difference.
Have a great day!
Becca
I have been trying to find an exercise routine that takes some thinking to do accomplish. I tried Tai Chi with mom and Shaye and while we liked the class, we really felt out of place. I have tried yoga which I really enjoy, but I can's really afford it. I do try to do it on my will fit at least once a week, but the lag time between exercises can get a bit boring and it doesn't take much focus. If I walk on the treadmill or bike, my mind goes 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction. I think this is why the doctor wants me to take some kind of exercise that requires concentration/meditation. Because I need to be able to teach it to slow down. I need to find some relaxation exercises for at night before sleep. Otherwise my body is exhausted, but my poor legs just want to move and my mind just jumps from thing to thing. Impossible to sleep. I am not complaining just telling you what it is like to be me sometimes.
My mom is in Yakima right now. Her brother is in hospital with a brain tumor that they think is cancer. It is not looking good. All her brothers and sisters have come in from all parts of the state and they are gathered around him as he prepares to do battle against this terrible disease. If you are reading this and are a believer, please just send up a quick prayer for the Carpenter Family. I truly thank you.
Hope this is not to much rattling on. But I needed to type a bit and thought I would catch everyone up. I see my primary doctor tomorrow at 11am. I am a bit nervous. I am sure he will be skeptical of the meds, but my body is already noticing a big difference.
Have a great day!
Becca
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